This is my designated bitching area; the place where all the filters are removed. This is unfiltered chlorinated tap water that you cannot drink without leaving a bad taste in your mouth.
Part 1: Family Holiday Photos
Just like my birthdays, the holidays are a pleasant reminder of how much I do not belong where I currently am. I don't even know where to start. How about the annoying family photos that every family decides to send you in the mail the week before Christmas? I've probably seen 20 iterations of the same homogeneous-looking families grow up together. You know those pictures where you look at them and think, "Oh, he looks just like his mother - and she looks just like her father!" Yea, THOSE. It's nothing but bitter jealously. Plain and simple. I am thankful my family doesn't make me take these awful pictures - I can imagine people receiving them in the mail and (instead of admiring the similarities) examining the differences (or should I say difference), the difference being me. I'd be one of those stranger who step in, and ruin a perfectly good picture of your friends at the club.
Part 2: Growing Family
My family is growing. My brother (my adopted parents biological son) has two cute little white daughters who are only a couple years old. I love them to death but I can't help but think how advantageous their lives will be. They get to have a mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, great-grandma, and a slew of uncles and aunts that look like like them. They never have to feel insecure about their looks or question their origins. At the dinner table I am even further removed than I was before, it seems. I become less and less a part of this family, by nature and by choice. I can clearly see how much my mother enjoys having a granddaughter in her image.
Part 3: Holiday Gatherings
Then there's the holiday parties that all my white family friends (ie. my friends and their parents are friends with my parents). After 25 years I'm still the Asian guy in the room. When you're a kid you're blind to any racial differences or insecurities, but as you get older you can tell when a person is not comfortable with you in the room. My friends' relatives don't know who I am, and if anything, are intimidated by my mere presence. This year I walked in the room for 10 minutes, said hi to my friend's mother and father, and then bounced. I'm old enough to be aware of the types of shit I don't need to be subjected to. Just once I wish I could drag my mom into a room full of Asians so she could see how it feels to be treated like a foreigner.
Part4: Going out with a White girl
I never want to hear another Asian girl bitch about the scowling she might receive by dating a White guy. In America this is already accepted. Until you experience being an Asian man with a White woman, shut your goddamn mouth and be happy that America is able to pimp you out so well. Be satisfied with the exposure you receive, because no matter how negative you may think it may be - the fact is that you actually exist to the rest of America.
I have a half white/Chinese friend that I hang out with occasionally. She looks white, and yes she's actually very good looking, not some beta-female reject that only dates Asians. I'm not her boyfriend (thank GOD), but we dated when we were younger. The average public can't seem to understand why a woman of this caliber would hang out with an "Asian Guy" - and it irritates them. You might think this type of ill-will would just boost my ego, but in actuality it bothers me. That's not the recognition I want. I do not want to be looked at, I do not want all eyes on me. As an adoptee I've been stared at my entire life and I have a huge aversion to it - but this is how it is. I've spent my whole life saturated in white butter only leave the frying pan and hit the plate as chow-mein.
The part that is even worse, is that she is completely inept when a person is trying throw some racial disrespect my way. I shouldn't be surprised. Somebody who has always had white privilege in her life would never understand subtle disrespect the way a true minority would. I love her to death but I feel like her "problems" are just petty in comparison. 10 years ago, the knucklehead in me would have murdered a fat-mouthed bigot in public - and done the jail time happily on principal alone.
Nowadays I just bite my tongue, I'm still on probation after all. I'm not a fan of dichotomy, but I believe the Asian male these days can only be one of two things: The scary type that you can't even look at in the eyes, or the smiling pushover type. Which would you rather be? The kind that gets stepped on? Or the Shoe?